Reality of Living with Depression

I remembered it as clear as if it happened yesterday.

It was about 4 years ago.  I was driving on the 401.  An 18-wheeler (transport truck) pulled up right beside me.  For a long stretch, we raced down the highway side by side.

I remember the thought rising up inside me: “Go on…if you steer your car into the truck, the pain will end, once and for all.”

That was the precise moment, the precise place along the 401, where I decided to get help.

Being a minister for all these years, I have had the opportunity to counsel people who were suicidal.  During all those encounters, one question continued to haunt me: “How does one get to a point in life where death becomes at attractive option?”  I had never been able to figure that out.

Until that moment on the 401.

Outwardly, everything seemed fine.  I was successful as a minister.  Everything was going well.   There was no sign of anything seriously wrong. 

But inwardly, I was struggling with this incredible, suffocating weight of despair.  It started a few years ago as uncontrollable weeping spells out of nowhere, I could be walking along in a shopping mall, driving down the street, or wherever.  All of a sudden, this tsunami of despair would wash over me, sweep me off my feet, knock the wind right out of me, until there is nothing left to do but cry.

Eventually the despair became a physical pain.  There was no escaping it.  I opened my eyes in the morning, and there it was. 

I began to crave sleep not to rest, but to escape the pain…if only just for a few hours.   But sleep became a luxury that was harder and harder to come by.

Sunday mornings became hell.  I had to “perform”.   There were times when I had to speak in 3 services, in 3 different languages, and then I would go home and collapse. 

After the episode on the 401, I seeked counselling.  I was sent to my doctor, where I was diagnosed with depression and was prescribed anti-depressant.

I remember the first time taking that prescription to the counter at the pharmacy.  I felt as though every eye in the store was looking at me.  I remembered saying to myself, “So this is what it feels like.”

The counselling and therapy and medication did not turn things around right away, my personal life continued to spiral downwards.  Until I completely fell apart and hit rock bottom.

To cope with the pain, people who struggle with depression turn to all sorts of different things:  Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, pornography, some seeked the thrill of dangerous behavior to numb the pain, some turn to extramarital affairs, some spend money like it’s going out of style, some turn to gambling.

The activities may be different, but the underlying dynamic is the same:  It is an addiction to try to escape the pain.

When we hear of people getting involved in such things, it is easy to be judgemental and say, “How can he/she does such a thing?  It is so wrong!”

What we fail to understand is that for a person in that situation, the mind no longer functions with the “Right Vs. Wrong” grid.  Instead, life becomes a single minded obsession to simply stop the pain.

I do not say this to make excuses for others, like myself who had fallen.  I simply point this out so perhaps we learn to understand a little more, and with more understanding, hopfully what follows is a little more kindness.

Alice Miller wrote in her book, “Breaking Down the Wall of Silence”: “What is addiction, really?  It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress.  It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.”

Wise words.

Today I am involved with the Speakers Bureau of the Canadian Mental Health Association – York Region Branch.  We share our stories with each other and we share our message with the community to bring more awareness and education about the reality of living with a mental health condition.

I approached the group and they have agreed to be featured as a first project of the Lone Voice Workshop.  I will have a sit down round table with them to hear their stories.  The script of that conversation (with names being changed) will be featured on the Lone Voice Workshop website.  Following that, some of the individuals in the group will write their own stories and they will also be published on the site.

Part of the reason of me starting this new blog and the related “Lonevoice Workshop” is to use this as a platform to share writings that will be helpful for others, ultimately inspiring others to become better people.  It is my conviction that part of learning to be better people is to learn to listen better, especially to voices that are marginalized by our society.   My hope is that with this first project of the Lone Voice Workshop, we will all learn to listen more, and judge less.

Stay tuned and please check back often.

Tagged as: Mental Health