Last week we saw in the news the tragic death of Robert Enke, a top German professional soccer goal keeper. At the height of his career, Robert Enke took his own life. It was only after his passing that details of his battle with depression were made known to the public. Those close to Enke revealed that even though as a professional athlete he had access to a medical and psychiatric support system that is beyond the reach of the average person, he was hesitant to admit to the problem. Partly because of the stigma associated with mental health, and partly out of fear of how an admission like that would affect his career.
Reading about Enke’s experience made me feel that his life and mine are connected in the most unusual way: We’ve both shared that split second moment where we had to make most unthinkable decision a person will ever face: “Do I want to keep living?”
In that one split second that forever joined our lives, he had to decide whether to step in front of a train, where I had to choose whether to drive in front of a truck. Why did I turn back while he didn’t? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone ever will.
But regardless, I feel that I now have a responsibility to share my story with others so hopefully they will never have to face that choice.
I have been asked often what is the difference between “clinical depression” and feelings of being “down” that all of us experience every now and then. I need to be absolutely clear here: I am NOT a psychiatrist and I am NOT qualified to give clinical or diagnostic advice. I can only share from my personal experiences. For me, the one signal that alerted me was the chronic nature of my depression. It shadowed me day in and out, never seeming to lift. As I wrote in my earlier post, when a person is face with a chronic pain, the most natural reaction is to seek relief. And because the pain never goes away, the person keeps returning to the activity or substance that promises short term relief. The result is obvious: addiction.
For myself, the first thing I turned to was alcohol. Being a minister for almost 20 years, I had never been much of a drinker. When I first started drinking, it seemed to do the trick: it didn’t take much to knock me out, and put me to sleep. I was able to experience pain-free sleep for at least a few hours.
But, as with any addictive substance, the “effects” never lasts. I ended up drinking more and more, but rather than relieving my pain, alcohol simply paralyzed my body, but the saddness, the pain never lifted. I ended up even more miserable. Much of this was happening while I was still a minister, so I had to keep my struggle a secret. I was thankful that with counseling and medication, I was able to realize “early” that alcohol was not the answer. This did not take away my depression right away and my personal life would continue to spiral down before it hit rock bottom, but I was at least grateful that I was able to turn back before alcohol manage to fix its grip on me.
I have no idea who will read this, but my message to those who are in similar situations is simple: Please get help. I know the temptation to try to “fix” things yourself is strong, and I know it is frightening to come out to admit to the problem. I also have to be honest in admitting that not everyone will be able to understand or extend to you the kindness that you hope for. I have experienced rejection and condemnation from some of my closest “friends”. But the good news is that some will understand, some will go out of their way to be kind, real help is available and you WILL get better. But YOU have to be willing to take that first step towards being well.
And you know what? Regardless of what you may feel or think, YOU ARE WORTH IT! You deserve to be well. Please believe that.
My hope is that as more and more of us who live with depression and mental health issues share our stories, this will lead to more of an attitude and culture of kindness and understanding. Which hopefully in turn will make it “easier” for people to seek help from those around them.
In a couple of weeks I will be giving a talk on the attitudes towards mental health in the Chinese/Asian religious community. I hope some good will come from that.
Also, towards the end of November I will begin posting a new series of articles on the Lone Voice Workshop website written by people who live with mental health conditions. The series will start with the transcript of a round table discussion I will be hosting with them. The article should appear early in December on the Lone Voice Workshop site. Please stay tuned for that.
Please feel free to connect with me further if you’d like to talk. Thanks for reading.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
alcohol. insomnia. chronic thoughts. prolonged darkness in heart. self proclaimed worthlessness. i’m scared, i’m scared that these thoughts will never go away. keep me sane alfred.
sometimes what we are outside is very different from who we really are inside.
Dear Red: Thank you for your comment. I cannot agree with you more when you said “Sometimes WHAT we are outside is very different from WHO we really are inside.” I have learned that while we are all busy upholding an image on the outside (the WHAT), on the inside all of us struggle with pain, regrets, and other things that are part of WHO we are, but are afraid or unwilling to face.
One of the best pieces of advice I received in almost 4 years of counselling is when my counselor said to me, “Alfred, your pain and your lonliness is part of who you are. Learn to embrace it. Recognize that the pain is part of what makes you useful to others.” By that she meant our pain humbles us, makes us human, and makes us sensitive and kind to others who struggle with their pain.
Reading your words for me was like looking into a mirror, as I have gone through, and in some ways are STILL going through what you said. I am in no position to give advice, but can I suggest that you find someone to talk to about this? I don’t necessarily mean a professional, but perhaps a trusted friend who can offer wise counsel?
I have learned that sometimes, the destructive force in our lives is not the pain itself, but the ways that we pursue to try and find relief.
Even though I do not know who you are, there are a couple of things that I can say with 100% certainty: You are NOT worthless. The darkness WILL end and give way to daybreak. And given time and care, fear will give way to hope.
Journey on, my friend. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Perhaps your next step is to find that friend and talk over a cup of coffee? But above all, don’t quit on hope.
Please let me know if you’d like to connect further in some ways.
thanks for your advice. chatted with closed friends and family. but when i tell them my thoughts, i feel like i’m complaining and taking up their time. there was relief, but it was temporary. next day, i’m back to negativity again. been praying, but not always help.
Hello Red
My apologies for my late reply. Things have been hectic over the holiday season. I am glad to hear that you chatted with some folks that are close to you. As you have found out already, talking about it does not “take away” the issues. But hopefully it will open up doors to further dialogue and perhaps more steps towards healing. I know sometimes we have a tendency to feel like we are taking up people’s time when we talk to them about stuff we are going through. But I have discovered that more often than not people are glad that we choose to open up to them because it shows that we have chosen to trust them. For myself, in addition to talking to friends and family, the next step was to seek help from a counselor and eventually my family doctor. I have discovered that it takes a holistic approach to battle depression: Support from our personal community, professional help (which involves therapy, counselling, and sometimes medication), and perhaps most importantly, a lifestyle change as part of a bigger “coping strategy”. This is crucial because in a lot of cases, there are unhealthy elements to our lifestyle that contributed to the depression. The temptation is to NOT change, and to seek “help” just so that we can keep living the way we were. This rarely helps.
Of course I do not know the specifics of your situation and whether any of what I said applies. But like I said, I am glad that you have taken the first step of talking to people you trust.