Last Saturday I went to a Christian organization to speak. It was the first time in more than a year that I have spoken in a “Christian” context. I really didn’t give it much thought when I accepted the invitation. A friend of mine works for the organization and they needed a speaker, so I just said yes, mostly thinking of helping out a friend.
It wasn’t till I was driving to the engagement that it hit me. I was surprised how “nervous” I felt on the way. It wasn’t the speaking that made me nervous. It was more a sense of uncertainty of whether I still “belong” in that “world”. Even as I pulled into the parking lot, in the back of my mind I was still looking for excuses to back out of the engagement (“hm…is that a headache that I feel coming on? May be I should cancel and not spread it to others…”)
The workshop itself was okay. The staff went out of their way to make me feel welcomed and at home. When I asked the audience a question and there was silence, the staff took it upon themselves to respond to help me not feel awkward. A year ago I wouldn’t have thought about any of this. But today, I have learned to recognize and appreciate acts of kindness, no matter how small.
3 hours later, the workshop was finished. I was exhausted; more emotionally than physically. As I made a quick exit and drove away, I learned a couple of things: First, I realized that my wounds from the betrayal and trampling I received from those whom I thought were my Christian community are still very open and fresh, and I still need to deal with it and seek healing. Second, I learned how every act of kindness makes a difference, and I need to be thankful for them. I am thankful for the staff of the organization. For every smile, every handshake, every pat on the shoulder. I am thankful for the people who left messages on my facebook to encourage me. The fact that they realized this is a ‘big deal’ for me and took time to leave me notes tells me that they are thinking of me. I am thankful to Anna who looked after Taylor in a mall for 3 hours while I spoke. As I said, a year ago, I would have taken everything for granted. Now, I have learned to treasure kindness.
When I got home I opened the thank you card they gave me. The old me wouldn’t even bother reading them after speaking engagements. But this time it was different. I looked at the card, read every word, and instead of it going into my recycle bin, it now stands on my desk at home.
Call it a “milestone” on a long journey.
Tim, Joseph, Alex, Teresa, Nicole, Addie, Ceci, Harry, Anna…Thank you 
