Alfred Lam

A few weeks ago I went out to lunch with 3 other good friends.  Four of us, 2 guys and 2 girls chatted up a storm like we normal do.  I can’t remember exactly how, but in one of the playful turns in our conversation, I made a verbal jab at the other guy, pretending that we are a gay couple, and the other guy, right on cue, played along and returned the favor.  The conversation took on another direction and neither one of us gave another thought to what was said.

About a week later I was talking to one of the girls at lunch, someone whose friendship I deeply value.  She said to me, “You know, Alfred, what you said at lunch the other day bothered me, because it was homophobic, and it’s beneath you.”

When I first heard what she said, my gut instinct reaction was: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ME, of all people, being homophobic??  It was just a quick jab given and returned in good fun between friends!  We didn’t mean any harm by it!  Before I began to defend myself, she gently asked, “Imagine if I was secretly gay, how would I have felt hearing those words from you, from someone who is my friend?”

Her words stopped me in my tracks.  And I learned an important lesson that day:  Forget semantics and word games.  When it comes to homophobia, what matters most is not whatever our intentions might have been behind the words.  What matters most is the potential harm and hurt that our words can cause or have caused even without us knowing.

You know, the funny thing is that in the Christian community, we are quite ready and happy to accept those rules of engagement on any topic, but we stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the hurt we have caused when it comes to the gay community:

If you are talking to someone new visiting your church on Mother’s Day Sunday, and you went on and on about all the wonderful activities the church has planned to celebrate Mother’s Day, and when you invited the person to bring her mom to one of the gatherings and she said, “Actually my mom passed away earlier this year, and this is my first Mother’s Day without her.”  Without even having to think, I guarantee the next words that come out of your mouth will me, “Oh, I am SO SORRY…I didn’t mean to be so insensitive….”  We know that in moments like that, what matters is not the intentions behind our words.  What matters is the harm and hurt our words may have caused.

We understand that.  We know that is true.  We try to be sensitive, so now on Mother’s Day, a lot of churches include elements in their services to honor the memories of mom’s who have passed away, and acknowledge women who struggle with infertility, understanding that the day is a difficult one for them.

Yet, when it comes to homosexuality, whenever it is pointed out to us that  the church has done a great deal of harm against the gay community, we dig in our heels, we grind our teeth, and we say, “It is THEIR issue if they feel offended.  We are simply standing on our right to express our beliefs.”  Or some other words to that effect.

If one woman is  hurt by our misspoken words on Mother’s Day, we apologize.  If the same woman happens to be gay, and was hurt on the following Sunday by something we say about the gay community in a sermon, we feel it’s her problem and we have a right to say what we believe.

It is irrational.  It does not make sense.  But there is a simple word that sums up well the attitude behind this kind of behavior.  It is called hate.

This all came home to me when I was watching the series of TSN videos on homophobia and professional sports called “ReOrientation” (See link at the bottom of this post). In the videos they played a recording of  Tim Hardaway, an NBA star saying openly in a talk show: “I hate gay people… so I let it be known…I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people…It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”  As I listened to those comments, I thought to myself, “How will I feel if one of my daughters were to say that?”    That’s when I realize  as my daughters grow up, there are certainly things I have little control over:  I can’t control if they will ultimately be rich or poor, if they will be healthy or sick, if their lives will be smooth or bumpy.  But one thing that I do have some control over is to make sure they never grow up learning to hate.  That’s why when it comes to church, my wife and I will put up with bad music, boring sermons, and just about anything else.  But we will remove ourselves from any church as soon as we detect hate and discrimination being taught.  There is nothing more toxic that can be introduced into our kids’ young lives.

There is hope however.  Tim Hardaway made those remarks back on Valentine’s Day, 2007.  6 years later, on July 3, 2013, Hardaway, who has retired from playing, became the first person to sign a petition to legalize gay marriage in Florida.   Attitudes can be changed.  Hate can be overcomed.   It takes truth, honesty, love, acceptance, among other things.  Which is great news, because we are supposed to find those things in abundance in the church.

Aren’t we?

(Link to ReOrientation Series: http://www.tsn.ca/reorientation/)

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